Given my life circumstances, these wise words ring true to me in ways they haven't before. A reminder as I re-establish old relationships and form new ones.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Life goals. Some may see these as simple or obvious. But for me, for whatever reason, I have struggled with them. And, admittedly, this struggle is probably one of the areas of my life that drove the my kid's mom crazy during our 23 years together.
(So here is my video for today. I didn't know I was recording as I was running. Watch if you choose. If not, continue reading below. I have come to realize that a GoPro may be in my future.)
During the past couple of weeks, including during this and a few other runs, I have been thinking about life goals. If you have read my previous posts, you are aware that getting a divorce has opened parts of my mind and spirit that up until recently have been closed. I guess it took a traumatic and raw experience to really break away the layers of self limiting stories I had created about myself. By throwing away these stories, I have come to realize that my future can actually go in directions that I find desirable. I am starting to formulate goals for myself. For my job, for a potential side business, for my relationships, for my health. And I am genuinely excited about it.
But man, there is a part of me that wants to keep writing stories. Stories of doubt. Stories about me not having enough skill. Stories about me being too old. One of the most common stories I keep writing lately is the story of me not having enough time. I mean, I am 51 years old and only now am I realizing that I can create goals? Why oh why didn't I have this clarity 20 years ago? 10? Do I have time?
I have written about having an issue with patience. I understand that there is process to this life change that can't be rushed. I still have an issue with patience though. I still want to make sudden and rash changes in my life. I so badly want to be in a different place. Physically, professionally, and emotionally. Intellectually I know that jumping into new opportunities and relationships too quickly wouldn't be healthy for me. Particularly with my divorce still so new. I know I need room and time to breathe. I was reading one of those "how do I know when I am willing to date again" books and one of the suggestions is that I need to be comfortable living alone without being lonely. Makes sense to me. I crave alone time so I don't think I am far off but still, I need to actually do it for a time. Knowing and understanding this though doesn't help out the inner turmoil I feel when I look in the mirror and see this guy with a gray beard and bald head and tired looking bags under his eyes. I want changes now!
A long time ago, one of my athletic coaches told me "There is no luck. Luck happens when preparation meets opportunity". Now he wasn't the originator of that thought. I don't know who was but it rings true for me now. I have to come to terms with that idea that I am in a loooooong preparation phase of my life. I am more prepared than I was 6 months ago, even 2 months ago when I started this blog. There has been a lot of growth and healing. There is still more to do though. And the more I do, the better I will be able to grab whatever opportunity presents itself.
Every so often I get a message from the universe that help ease my mind. The latest is a video I recently found from Simon Sinek. Maybe you have listened to him before. Maybe you haven't. I find his words very inspiring. In this video he speaks about how he thinks about age and how he develops life goals.
He suggests that instead of thinking about how old you are and how many years have passed us by, we should think about looking forward and how many years we have left. How many years do we hae left to make an impact, or create a legacy. The ability to do this re-frames how we think about what we still can accomplish. So for me, instead of me saying, "Damn, I'm already 51 and only now thinking about setting some life goals? I wish I were 30", we should say "Hey, realistically, as a 51 year old, I have 15, 20, and hopefully 25 really productive years left for me to make an impact on whatever I am passionate about." When I think of this, I realize that yes, I do have time to be patient. I can be mindful, I can continue to take steps towards my goals, and wait for opportunities to rise. Opportunities will present themselves at work, play, family, friendships, love. I cannot afford to rush it. So in 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, and so on, I will be able to look back and say, "Oh, OK, that is how it was supposed to work out."
I love an Islamic saying that I heard recently. "Have faith in Allah, but tether your horse". To me, this means that I need to have faith that this journey I am on will play out the way it's supposed to. It also states that I need to be mindful of each opportunity that arises each day because how I respond to these opportunities will prepare me for the next one.
And now with goals in mind, each step, though still way too slow for me, will be easier to take.
So it's come to this. A van full of boxes. Today is the day I am moving in with a friend. When I say it that way it sounds easy. But there are ways to say it that are way more difficult.
Today I move away from the place I have called home for almost 14 years. Away from the people I have called my family for 18 years. And I am moving away alone.
Damn that is hard to say. It is hard to even realize it is actually happening. I knew this day was coming. And please don't get me wrong, I know that this has to happen. Getting a divorce is the only way we were ever going to grow into the people we were meant to be. But I would be neglecting myself if I didn't acknowledge how hard moving away is.
So my life is now in the back of the van. My clothes mostly. I emptied a junk drawer into one of the small boxes. Another holds financial and business stuff. But the rest are filled with what I wear on my body. Sounds kind of simple but it's all I need. Whenever the universe decides I have found my future townhome or condo, I will be moving some furniture from place to place. But for now I am blessed and grateful for having a place to stay. (Thanks Greg!) And, I am incredibly sad.
