Happily Surprised

So I have not written here since July when I wrote about the heart stones I have been finding. I have been caught up in life, have not really taken the time to pause and think or reflect on what I am going through or consider where I am.

Today is Thanksgiving. As I think back and reflect over the past few months, I see that life has happened to me. And because I have chosen to be open to what life has to offer, there now is so much in my life to be thankful for. And just like the heart stones, these things often times come to me in ways that appear unexpected.

Being the recipient of a kind gesture from a friend or one of my kids.
Being provided opportunites to learn and grow at work.
Living in a safe space I can call my own.
Being alone, and yet not feeling lonely.
Being around people, and yet not feeling lonely.
Having a chance to influence and have a positive impact on someone's life.
Having an opportunity to volunteer with an organization that is near and dear to my heart.
Enrolling in a jewelry/metal working class and finding joy in the creative outlet it provides me.
Interviewing for and now waiting expectantly to hear from a potential new employer for a job I am excited about.
Feeling my heart open and grow in ways I never knew it could as I nurture a relationship with a beautiful woman I have met.  On line of all places.

And so many more things. I mentioned that these things have come to me in ways that appear unexpected. Is that true? Or are they coming to me now only because I am ready for them?

I just reat my very first post. In it I wrote, "But this isn't a blog to complain about divorce. Or to complain about the wonderful mother my kids are fortunate to have. It's about how I am doing with it all, what I can embrace now and what I can let go. And it's about how I can use my experience to grow." Little did I realize what was in store for me over the 12 months that followed me writing this. Embracing the now and letting go of what I can. I have used my experience to grow and learn. Of all the things I am grateful for, perhaps the #1 thing I am grateful for is that I  am in a position to embrace all of those things I list above. It's been a difficult road and I had plenty of doubts about whether or not I'd get here. But I am.

My dear friend Meg sent me this poem Molly Fumia. "To be joyful in the universe is a brave and reckless act. The courage for joy springs not from certainty of human experience, but the surprise. Our astonishment at being loved, our bold willingness to love in return, these wonders promise the possibility of joyfulness, not matter how often and how harshly love seem to be lost. Therefore, despite the world's sorrows, we give thanks for our loves, for our joys, and for the continued courage to be happily surprised". 

Here's to being happily surprised. Every day.

Heart Stones

Heart stones

So an amazing thing has been happening since I moved in to my place on May 14th. I have been finding heart shaped rocks in so many places. In the 8 weeks since I have been here, there have been at least 14 instances of where I look down and notice these incredible heart shaped rocks. On runs, on hikes, on walks around the block. Some of them look more like hearts than others, and none of them are perfect like those we've all cut from pieces of paper.  But sure enough, despite their jagged edges and lopsided forms, they look like hearts.

Now, to be perfectly honest, I can't take total credit for this. My former spouse introduced me to the practice of finding these stones years ago. She, or I, would find one and bring it home. Sometimes we would find one on a hike we were taking together and pass it on to the other. I found some and made a nice little pile of them on my window sill at work. There are others that have been sitting in the cup holders of my car.

After a while there were multiple piles of them everywhere in our lives. Every now and then I would pick one up as I walked by and feel it's shape. Feel it's roughness or smoothness. Feel it's curves. I would take the time to realize the connection between me and the earth that the stone represented. And then I would place it on the pile again, and continue with my day. To me these stones have come to represent the energy that flows through us and through the earth. Energy that is love represented in this simple, imperfect heart shaped rock. My former spouse introduced the idea of heart shaped rocks to me and I have been grateful for her doing that ever since. Through the years I have been able to connect to them in a personal way.

And then the tough times started and I lost touch with these stones as I also lost touch with myself. For those of you who have read my previous posts, you know some very difficult things have happened in my life over the last year and I've been preoccupied. Occasionally I would find heart stones laying on the ground but to be honest I was walking around with a bitter heart. I lost touch with how I used to pause and connect with the earth energy that these stones represent.  At the time my walks consisted of me venting, of figuring things out, wondering what I was going write about in my next blog post. I was not really open to what Mother Earth was saying.

And then I moved into my new place and it started happening again. Whereas before I would find a heart shaped rock ever few months, I started finding them everywhere. On paths, in parking lots, on the shoulders of the road, in piles of landscaping rocks. I shared this phenomenon with a friend who responded by saying "My wife would say that you are on the right path."

I mention to another friend about how Mother Earth must be telling me something and she texted back "Mothers are wise and they know how to protect their young". I may not be young,  but in terms of Mother Earth years, I am but a newborn pup. What a great image to carry with me as I continue to walk on this journey. I am grateful that I have her looking out for me.

Alone.

"And now you're alone" he said.

Wow. That hit me like a ton of bananas.

May 14th. Another day that has been on my radar for a long time. The day I moved into my new place.  I have known for over a year that I would be doing this but I didn't have a date. Then I closed on my condo March 13th and gave the current owners 2 months to rent back. I did my best to stay patient. Finally those 2 months ended yesterday. I now have the place to myself.

Jake, (my nephew),  and Greg, (the guy I have been living with for 3 months) helped move my stuff. We almost filled up 3 cars. Piled it all up in the living room. I had my bed delivered. Said good bye to Jake. Gave Greg a hug. And thats when the bananas hit. He said, "and now you're alone". 

Leave it to a guy I have know for 13 some years to speak the truth to me. There is no dancing around this one. The thing is, I have never lived by myself. Parents to college dorm to roomates to girlfriend to wife to Greg's basement. There has always been someone. Now its just me (with my kids part time of course). No music. No TV. No internet. Just me and barely enough stuff to fill a bedroom. I just got done crying some major tears. Not because I am sad, upset or angry. It's because I am just so damned relieved. I finally have a place to call home.

As I walk around and hear the echo of my footsteps, I can't help but ask myself, "Will I be lonely?" Over the past couple years I have not spent more than a couple days by myself and whenever that happened, if felt more like respite. Now there will be days and days of being by myself. How will I fill the time? Can I be alone and not feel lonely? Only time will tell. All I know right now is that I am breathing in huge gulps of relief. And I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Cracks

This morning I am unsettled. Uncertainty swims inside my head. I feel shaken. A familiar feeling for sure, however it's been a while since I have felt this.

Let me explain. This past week was hectic. There were quite a few events that occurred related to the kid's activities. The lives of teenagers have a tendency to take over. Somehow I knew about most of these activities. I heard about most of them last minute and just rolled with what was going on as parents have to do from time to time. The problem is that my kids neglected to inform their mom about these activities as timely as they did me. Or maybe they did but the information got lost.

One of these things that happened is a  BIG deal in the life of a teenager. My son told me on Thursday morning that he was going to the junior/senior prom. In 8 days. He is a sophomore, so I said "What?"  He went on to tell me that a junior girl had asked him (via a text!) to go. So on Friday I realized that my son needed a suit. I see a good father/son opportunity here so I left a message with his mom letting her know that I'd like to take him on Saturday to buy him his first suit.

She called me back late Friday. She wasn't upset about me wanting to take him but more about when she found out about it. I guess she had been planning on spending time with him and now she couldn't and felt slighted in some way. And it wasn't just this issue with the suit. It was the similar issues that had happened over the week that contributed to her feeling frustrated. Not informed. Left out. The ensuing conversation we had left me unsettled. I found myself apologizing and defending my self and feeling that I had done something wrong. As a result, I had a hard time going to sleep.

This morning I sit outside on the front porch and notice the minor cracks in the sidewalk and in one corner of the porch. Though I am sure that these structures were carefully made on top of a sound foundations, they are obviously not perfect. The foundations have shifted and as a result, cracks form. Sometimes cracks like these need to be addressed so that they don't become worse. Sometimes they can be left alone. But regardless, it's important to know that they are there.

I reflect on how I am feeling and start to realize that the conversation I had last night shook my foundation. Today I am questioning how I see myself. Over the past months, I have mindfully worked at understanding who I am and accepting that. There were many layers that had to be laid down before I could finally accept who I was. However, as with sidewalks and concrete porches, this understanding, this personal foundation that I have come to terms with is not perfect and is susceptible to shifts. Sometimes life shakes things up and cracks form in our understanding.

That is what has happened to me. This is why I feel unsettled. I don't know if this makes sense, but I think the reaction I had to the conversation last night caused my foundation to shake and crack. This morning I feel unstable, uncertain of who I am. I think it's important to understand that it's not what my ex said last night. I am not comfortable blaming other people for how I feel. I have no control over what other people will do. What I do have control over is how I react to it . Do I take this opportunity to better understand the feelings and become stronger or do I react out in ways that are more damaging?

I will keep my minds eye on these cracks that have formed. I will be cautious in situations that may shake them some more. Over time they will heal and I will learn from them. I will grow.

Stages

This is one of my favorite, favorite places. I am walking in what I call Stone House Park. I think its actually called Wadsworth Park on the map but no one calls it that.

As I walk, I see in my mind's eye two little kids running around.  The two little humans I "helped" bring into this world. Sweet memories are flooding my brain. At this bend in the river where I am walking, there used to be a large beaver dam. For a number if years it got so big that it flooded this section of the trail. My daughter, as a 4 or 5 year old, would look at it in wonder. Maybe she was imagining what the inside looked like. Maybe she was trying to figure out the engineering. How does that dam stay upright against the constant pressure of the water?  "The beaver dam!" her voice would sing out as I or her mom pushed the stroller with her little brother cradled inside.

I loved that stage of life. I was nervous about being a dad. About having a family. About raising these little miraculous human beings. We didn't know what we were doing.  We didn't have a large family or community to mentor us. We didn't have an abundance of cash. We had each other though and we walked along the trail, enjoying the outdoors and all that it was that day. And every day it  was different.

Now I am walking here 15 years later. It's the same trail but yet very different. It's a  little wider and maybe a little more worn. The beaver dam is gone, torn up by the city maintenance crew. There is a new one a little further upstream, bigger and stronger than the one we used to see. It's flooding a new section of the trail. Those little kids are gone. They are big, beautiful teenagers now. Tackling the world as they see it. We did really well. To get it done, we just kept walking. Building on each experience.

I am in a different stage now. And today, I have a complex, tangle of nerves in my gut. In a few hours I will be closing on my new home. The first one I am closing on alone. I am not nervous about whether or not the closing will go well because it will. But more nervous about what the future holds. Nervous about where my path is going. Nervous about whether or not I will see and embrace the opportunities that arise. Nervous about who I am going to become.  I see that it would be so easy to allow the nervousness to cripple my efforts and to lie down  and hide. But I won't do this because holding hands with my nervous energy are a number of other feelings that will keep me going. Excitement. Relief. Fear. Joy. Anticipation. It's these that will encourage me to keep walking.

Just as it did 15 years ago

Words of Wisdom

Given my life circumstances, these wise words ring true to me in ways they haven't before. A reminder as I re-establish old relationships and form new ones. 

The Journey 

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

Life goals

Life goals. Some may see these as simple or obvious. But for me, for whatever reason, I have struggled with them. And, admittedly, this struggle is probably one of the areas of my life that drove the my kid's mom crazy during our 23 years together.

(So  here is my video for today. I didn't know I was recording as I was running. Watch if you choose. If not, continue reading below. I have come to realize that a GoPro may be in my future.)

During the past couple of weeks, including during this and a few other runs, I have been thinking about life goals. If you have read my previous posts, you are aware that getting a divorce has opened parts of my mind and spirit that up until recently have been closed. I guess it took a traumatic and raw experience to really break away the layers of self limiting stories I had created about myself. By throwing away these stories, I have come to realize that my future can actually go in directions that I find desirable. I am starting to formulate goals for myself. For my job, for a potential side business, for my relationships, for my health. And I am genuinely excited about it.

But man, there is a part of me that wants to keep writing stories. Stories of doubt. Stories about me not having enough skill. Stories about me being too old.  One of the most common stories I keep writing lately is the story of me not having enough time. I mean, I am 51 years old and only now am I realizing that I can create goals? Why oh why didn't I have this clarity 20 years ago? 10? Do I have time?

I have written about having an issue with patience. I understand that there is process to this life change that can't be rushed. I still have an issue with patience though. I still want to make sudden and  rash changes in my life. I so badly want to be in a different place. Physically, professionally, and emotionally. Intellectually I know that jumping into new opportunities and relationships too quickly wouldn't be healthy for me. Particularly with my divorce still so new. I know I need room and time to breathe. I was reading one of those "how do I know when  I am willing to date again" books and one of the suggestions is that I need to be comfortable living alone without being lonely. Makes sense to me. I crave alone time so I don't think I am far off but still, I need to actually do it for a time.  Knowing and understanding this though doesn't help out the inner turmoil I feel when I look in the mirror and see this guy with a gray beard and bald head and tired looking bags under his eyes. I want changes now!

A long time ago, one of my athletic coaches told me "There is no luck. Luck happens when preparation meets opportunity". Now he wasn't the originator of that thought. I don't know who was but it rings true for me now. I have to come to terms with that idea that I am in a loooooong preparation phase of my life. I am more prepared than I was 6 months ago, even 2 months ago when I started this blog. There has been a lot of growth and healing. There is still more to do though. And the more I do, the better I will be able to grab whatever opportunity presents itself.

Every so often I get a message from the universe that help ease my mind. The latest is a video I recently found from Simon Sinek. Maybe you have listened to him before. Maybe you haven't. I find his words very inspiring. In this video he speaks about how he thinks about age and how he develops life goals.

He suggests that instead of thinking about how old you are and how many years have passed us by, we should think about looking forward and how many years we have left. How many years do we hae left to make an impact, or create a legacy. The ability to do this re-frames how we think about what we still can accomplish. So for me, instead of me saying, "Damn, I'm already 51 and only now thinking about setting some life goals? I wish I were 30", we should say "Hey, realistically, as a 51 year old, I have 15, 20, and hopefully 25 really productive years left for me to make an impact on whatever I am passionate about." When I think of this, I realize that yes, I do have time to  be  patient. I can be mindful, I can continue to take steps towards my goals, and wait for opportunities to rise. Opportunities will present themselves at work, play, family, friendships, love. I cannot afford to rush it. So in 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, and so on, I will be able to look back and say, "Oh, OK, that is how it was supposed to work out."

I love an Islamic saying that I heard recently. "Have faith in Allah, but tether your horse". To me, this means that I need to have faith that this journey I am on will play out the way it's supposed to.  It also states that I need to be mindful of each opportunity that arises each day because how I respond to these opportunities will prepare me for the next one.

And now with goals in mind, each step, though still way too slow for me, will be easier to take. 

Move out day.

So it's come to this. A van full of boxes. Today is the day I am moving in with a friend. When I say it that way it sounds easy. But there are ways to say it that are way more difficult.

Today I move away from the place I have called home for almost 14 years. Away from the people I have called my family for 18 years. And I am moving away alone.

Damn that is hard to say. It is hard to even realize it is actually happening. I knew this day was coming. And please don't get me wrong, I know that this has to happen. Getting a divorce is the only way we were ever going to grow into the people we were meant to be. But I would be neglecting myself if I didn't acknowledge how hard moving away is.

So my life is now in the back of the van. My clothes mostly. I emptied a junk drawer into one of the small boxes. Another holds financial and business stuff. But the rest are filled with what I wear on my body. Sounds kind of simple but it's all I need. Whenever the universe decides I have found my future townhome or condo, I will be moving some furniture from place to place. But for now I am blessed and  grateful for having a place to stay. (Thanks Greg!)  And, I am incredibly sad.

Birdsong

So this is the day that has been on my mind for a long time. Both the actual date but also because of what was scheduled for today.

My divorce happened today.

I can say my marriage ended long ago over a long period of time. But to hear the judge say it, to hear him say good luck to us both and good luck to our kids, well that took my breath away.

I am now walking slowly around a lake. People pass me. They try to say Good Morning. My head is down. Tears flowing down my cheeks. No eye contact. People don't need to see me this way.

Then this happens.

Can you hear the birds at the end of the video? Chirping away like its spring? This  catches me by surprise. It's Jan 18th after all.  For the first time on my walk I look up. I see them in the tree and their song awakens my spirit. I am reminded that there is no shame in tears. Tears are a strength. Even for men. I have every right to be crying. And I do.

Because I feel ripped open by:

Sadness
Worry
Fear
Uncertainty
Betrayal
Guilt
Hope
Understanding
Gratefulness
Relief

There is no joy in any of this. Nor is there anger. These other emotions are what I feel and because I do, I know I will be okay.  It's understandable. The birds tell me so.

A couple friends text words of encouragement to me. My sister texts me and says "Here's to open doors and new hallways". I say Amen. I just need to keep my head up, my heart open, and listen to what the birds have to say.

Some poem

A powerful poem for me. It's been a close friend all year. 

"If "
Rudyard Kipling. 

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; 
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; 
            
Kipling is writing about living though crisis. As it happened, I reconnected with this poem last spring when I was in the middle of an emotional crisis. I really thought I was going crazy.  I had so many doubts about who I was as a human, as a man, as a father, as a husband. Was I any good at all? Did I have any influence on anyone? On anything? Does anyone even know me? Fortunately, I have some wonderful people who I shared parts of my story with who contradicted those negative voices. And I was strong enough and open enough to hear them. 

If you can dream- -and not make dreams your master; 
If you can think- -and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools; 

Falling, getting bruised, rising, and then moving forward. Embracing the good and the bad things that happen. This is life after all. This journey has been a test for sure. As I move forward,  I know I will be faced with many choices of what to do next. Kipling, I think, is encouraging me to trust my character, trust my values, and trust my strengths that I had so many doubts about earlier in the year. These worn out tools of mine are the very things that will get me through.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on! '

18 or so months ago I really thought I was in a winning place. Life was going as well as I ever thought it had. Then the momentum of the game changed fast. I felt like I was loosing everything. As I think about it now,  I'm not starting at my beginnings because I have so many  experiences and lessons to lean on. I am starting from here. With the next steps that I need to take. "And never breathe a word about your loss". Now that is a challenge. How easy is it to bitch and complain and blame? That doesn't help in anyway that I can think of. So I try not to. I try to say positive things and look forward rather than complain and look back. I know that in order to move forward, I can't live in the past. Embrace it, learn from it, and then forgive it. "And so hold on when there is nothing in you". This, to me, is faith. I will hold on. And I will have my turn.

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings- -nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And- -which is more- -you'll be a Man, my son!

I think this stanza sets the standard high. Have integrity. Trust myself. Stay humble. Be patient. If these are achieved then "Yours is the Earth and everything in it". Such an important message for me to hear at such an important point in my life. Reading over and over creates a safe place for me to ease my mind. Helps me remove any doubt about myself and renews my faith. 

On loneliness

I had to get out. It was early afternoon on New Years Eve and we were experiencing one of those beautiful Colorado days. Sunny, fleece jacket warm, clean air. The kids were doing whatever teens do to occupy their time. I was tired of just sitting around the house waiting for....I don't know what. I had this feeling that nature was calling me, just wanting to connect with me. So I left and went for a walk. 

I have been very moody and irritable lately. Sure it may be a lack of sleep, but I have learned that when I get this way, (egad!) an actual feeling is creeping into my consciousness that needs to be addressed. So I walk and I let my mind wander. As I do, the idea of loneliness comes to the fore. 

When I think of loneliness, I think of it in a negative way. I picture me in my new place, sitting in a recliner, drinking a beer and watching Netflix. Endlessly. That scares the crap out of me. Is this a prediction, a premonition? Or is it a warning? Is loneliness always a bad thing or can it be good? Am I feeling a bad loneliness or a good loneliness? 

As I walk and listen to the crunch of the dried dirt under my toes, I am reminded of the two floods that have changed the landscape of the park I am walking in. This park was created when they built a dam decades ago as part of a much larger, metro area, flood control plan. The river running the through the park and filling Bear Creek Lake is usually steady, but twice over the past 5 years we have had massive storms that have covered the path on which I walk with 40-50 feet of water.  As the water receded each time, it was interesting to see how the landscape had changed due to the copious amounts of rushing water. The course of the river actually changed as the river banks were pushed aside under the stress. Huge amounts of soil, sand and rocks were dumped and  piled up high from areas upstream that must have been gouged out by the rushing water. Some old river banks were left dry and others were created anew.   

My life has been a flood of experiences this past year. There have been a series of difficult yet necessary events that have gouged out the foundation on which I have lived my life. There are pieces of me that are piled up high in unexpected areas. I look around and wonder.... WTF? The way the river is running through me is way different than where I thought it would be going. I look around and don't recognize the landscape. And I feel lost and lonely. 

So what to do? I have written about how I am working on my patience. My living situation is less than optimal, however I do see some light ahead. I need to remind myself that I can't enter that light before time allows. The landscape in the park had no control over what the water was going to do to it.  I have realized that I have absolutely no control over the many events causing stress in my life. Once those waters recede, I can start taking stock of where I am and focus on what I can control. 

Like writing this blog.

And reading about the experiences of others. I explored another blog recently. In the July 2013 post a guest writer reflects on what he learned in the months after his divorce. He writes: 

      You're not starting over, (after a divorce); you're starting 
       from here and you're moving forward. This means you 
       accept the mistakes you have made, you try not to 
       repeat them, and you allow yourself to make all new 
       ones no matter how colossal! 

As I continue on my walk, I realize that I have some damn good reasons to be lonely. And I understand that lonliness isn't good or bad. It's what I do about it that is. At times I feel like I am starting over and all I want to do is sit and drink beer and binge watch Netflix shows. But this idea of starting from here and moving forward calms me. I have accepted that getting a divorce was the correct answer. I don't have any ill feelings or doubts. There is, however, an empty space in my soul because of the divorce. I feel like that old river bank that has no water, no purpose. I have this sense if emptiness that is causing me to feel lonely. I don't think it's necessarily a bad lonely though. Or good. It's how I move forward and fill that space that will help the loneliness recede. 

All I can do is focus on where my foot lands next and keep my eyes open to the ever changing landscape. There will be new storms for me to weather. Some will be good and some not. It's the journey that matters. I just can't rush it.  It's a long road, and  I am ready.