Birdsong

So this is the day that has been on my mind for a long time. Both the actual date but also because of what was scheduled for today.

My divorce happened today.

I can say my marriage ended long ago over a long period of time. But to hear the judge say it, to hear him say good luck to us both and good luck to our kids, well that took my breath away.

I am now walking slowly around a lake. People pass me. They try to say Good Morning. My head is down. Tears flowing down my cheeks. No eye contact. People don't need to see me this way.

Then this happens.

Can you hear the birds at the end of the video? Chirping away like its spring? This  catches me by surprise. It's Jan 18th after all.  For the first time on my walk I look up. I see them in the tree and their song awakens my spirit. I am reminded that there is no shame in tears. Tears are a strength. Even for men. I have every right to be crying. And I do.

Because I feel ripped open by:

Sadness
Worry
Fear
Uncertainty
Betrayal
Guilt
Hope
Understanding
Gratefulness
Relief

There is no joy in any of this. Nor is there anger. These other emotions are what I feel and because I do, I know I will be okay.  It's understandable. The birds tell me so.

A couple friends text words of encouragement to me. My sister texts me and says "Here's to open doors and new hallways". I say Amen. I just need to keep my head up, my heart open, and listen to what the birds have to say.

Some poem

A powerful poem for me. It's been a close friend all year. 

"If "
Rudyard Kipling. 

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; 
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; 
            
Kipling is writing about living though crisis. As it happened, I reconnected with this poem last spring when I was in the middle of an emotional crisis. I really thought I was going crazy.  I had so many doubts about who I was as a human, as a man, as a father, as a husband. Was I any good at all? Did I have any influence on anyone? On anything? Does anyone even know me? Fortunately, I have some wonderful people who I shared parts of my story with who contradicted those negative voices. And I was strong enough and open enough to hear them. 

If you can dream- -and not make dreams your master; 
If you can think- -and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools; 

Falling, getting bruised, rising, and then moving forward. Embracing the good and the bad things that happen. This is life after all. This journey has been a test for sure. As I move forward,  I know I will be faced with many choices of what to do next. Kipling, I think, is encouraging me to trust my character, trust my values, and trust my strengths that I had so many doubts about earlier in the year. These worn out tools of mine are the very things that will get me through.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on! '

18 or so months ago I really thought I was in a winning place. Life was going as well as I ever thought it had. Then the momentum of the game changed fast. I felt like I was loosing everything. As I think about it now,  I'm not starting at my beginnings because I have so many  experiences and lessons to lean on. I am starting from here. With the next steps that I need to take. "And never breathe a word about your loss". Now that is a challenge. How easy is it to bitch and complain and blame? That doesn't help in anyway that I can think of. So I try not to. I try to say positive things and look forward rather than complain and look back. I know that in order to move forward, I can't live in the past. Embrace it, learn from it, and then forgive it. "And so hold on when there is nothing in you". This, to me, is faith. I will hold on. And I will have my turn.

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings- -nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And- -which is more- -you'll be a Man, my son!

I think this stanza sets the standard high. Have integrity. Trust myself. Stay humble. Be patient. If these are achieved then "Yours is the Earth and everything in it". Such an important message for me to hear at such an important point in my life. Reading over and over creates a safe place for me to ease my mind. Helps me remove any doubt about myself and renews my faith. 

On loneliness

I had to get out. It was early afternoon on New Years Eve and we were experiencing one of those beautiful Colorado days. Sunny, fleece jacket warm, clean air. The kids were doing whatever teens do to occupy their time. I was tired of just sitting around the house waiting for....I don't know what. I had this feeling that nature was calling me, just wanting to connect with me. So I left and went for a walk. 

I have been very moody and irritable lately. Sure it may be a lack of sleep, but I have learned that when I get this way, (egad!) an actual feeling is creeping into my consciousness that needs to be addressed. So I walk and I let my mind wander. As I do, the idea of loneliness comes to the fore. 

When I think of loneliness, I think of it in a negative way. I picture me in my new place, sitting in a recliner, drinking a beer and watching Netflix. Endlessly. That scares the crap out of me. Is this a prediction, a premonition? Or is it a warning? Is loneliness always a bad thing or can it be good? Am I feeling a bad loneliness or a good loneliness? 

As I walk and listen to the crunch of the dried dirt under my toes, I am reminded of the two floods that have changed the landscape of the park I am walking in. This park was created when they built a dam decades ago as part of a much larger, metro area, flood control plan. The river running the through the park and filling Bear Creek Lake is usually steady, but twice over the past 5 years we have had massive storms that have covered the path on which I walk with 40-50 feet of water.  As the water receded each time, it was interesting to see how the landscape had changed due to the copious amounts of rushing water. The course of the river actually changed as the river banks were pushed aside under the stress. Huge amounts of soil, sand and rocks were dumped and  piled up high from areas upstream that must have been gouged out by the rushing water. Some old river banks were left dry and others were created anew.   

My life has been a flood of experiences this past year. There have been a series of difficult yet necessary events that have gouged out the foundation on which I have lived my life. There are pieces of me that are piled up high in unexpected areas. I look around and wonder.... WTF? The way the river is running through me is way different than where I thought it would be going. I look around and don't recognize the landscape. And I feel lost and lonely. 

So what to do? I have written about how I am working on my patience. My living situation is less than optimal, however I do see some light ahead. I need to remind myself that I can't enter that light before time allows. The landscape in the park had no control over what the water was going to do to it.  I have realized that I have absolutely no control over the many events causing stress in my life. Once those waters recede, I can start taking stock of where I am and focus on what I can control. 

Like writing this blog.

And reading about the experiences of others. I explored another blog recently. In the July 2013 post a guest writer reflects on what he learned in the months after his divorce. He writes: 

      You're not starting over, (after a divorce); you're starting 
       from here and you're moving forward. This means you 
       accept the mistakes you have made, you try not to 
       repeat them, and you allow yourself to make all new 
       ones no matter how colossal! 

As I continue on my walk, I realize that I have some damn good reasons to be lonely. And I understand that lonliness isn't good or bad. It's what I do about it that is. At times I feel like I am starting over and all I want to do is sit and drink beer and binge watch Netflix shows. But this idea of starting from here and moving forward calms me. I have accepted that getting a divorce was the correct answer. I don't have any ill feelings or doubts. There is, however, an empty space in my soul because of the divorce. I feel like that old river bank that has no water, no purpose. I have this sense if emptiness that is causing me to feel lonely. I don't think it's necessarily a bad lonely though. Or good. It's how I move forward and fill that space that will help the loneliness recede. 

All I can do is focus on where my foot lands next and keep my eyes open to the ever changing landscape. There will be new storms for me to weather. Some will be good and some not. It's the journey that matters. I just can't rush it.  It's a long road, and  I am ready.