Cracks

This morning I am unsettled. Uncertainty swims inside my head. I feel shaken. A familiar feeling for sure, however it's been a while since I have felt this.

Let me explain. This past week was hectic. There were quite a few events that occurred related to the kid's activities. The lives of teenagers have a tendency to take over. Somehow I knew about most of these activities. I heard about most of them last minute and just rolled with what was going on as parents have to do from time to time. The problem is that my kids neglected to inform their mom about these activities as timely as they did me. Or maybe they did but the information got lost.

One of these things that happened is a  BIG deal in the life of a teenager. My son told me on Thursday morning that he was going to the junior/senior prom. In 8 days. He is a sophomore, so I said "What?"  He went on to tell me that a junior girl had asked him (via a text!) to go. So on Friday I realized that my son needed a suit. I see a good father/son opportunity here so I left a message with his mom letting her know that I'd like to take him on Saturday to buy him his first suit.

She called me back late Friday. She wasn't upset about me wanting to take him but more about when she found out about it. I guess she had been planning on spending time with him and now she couldn't and felt slighted in some way. And it wasn't just this issue with the suit. It was the similar issues that had happened over the week that contributed to her feeling frustrated. Not informed. Left out. The ensuing conversation we had left me unsettled. I found myself apologizing and defending my self and feeling that I had done something wrong. As a result, I had a hard time going to sleep.

This morning I sit outside on the front porch and notice the minor cracks in the sidewalk and in one corner of the porch. Though I am sure that these structures were carefully made on top of a sound foundations, they are obviously not perfect. The foundations have shifted and as a result, cracks form. Sometimes cracks like these need to be addressed so that they don't become worse. Sometimes they can be left alone. But regardless, it's important to know that they are there.

I reflect on how I am feeling and start to realize that the conversation I had last night shook my foundation. Today I am questioning how I see myself. Over the past months, I have mindfully worked at understanding who I am and accepting that. There were many layers that had to be laid down before I could finally accept who I was. However, as with sidewalks and concrete porches, this understanding, this personal foundation that I have come to terms with is not perfect and is susceptible to shifts. Sometimes life shakes things up and cracks form in our understanding.

That is what has happened to me. This is why I feel unsettled. I don't know if this makes sense, but I think the reaction I had to the conversation last night caused my foundation to shake and crack. This morning I feel unstable, uncertain of who I am. I think it's important to understand that it's not what my ex said last night. I am not comfortable blaming other people for how I feel. I have no control over what other people will do. What I do have control over is how I react to it . Do I take this opportunity to better understand the feelings and become stronger or do I react out in ways that are more damaging?

I will keep my minds eye on these cracks that have formed. I will be cautious in situations that may shake them some more. Over time they will heal and I will learn from them. I will grow.