Patience

When I was little, I heard my mom say "You have so much patience you should work with people". "I love how you had so much patience with your younger sister". My track coach in HS would say "You know you have the speed and patience, remember to wait for your moment to make your move". When I first started working with people who have intellectual and development disabilities, people would say "Wow, you must have a lot of patience". My boss recently told me that she has seen me have "so much patience when people pop into your office asking for help. You make them feel like you were waiting for them or something".

BS. I've had a high level of anxiety lately.  It started a few weeks ago when I first noticed the knots in my stomach. It's really reached a high level lately and I have tried to figure it out but to no avail. I take my pain on a hike to the top of what I call my spirit mountain. On the way to the top I start to realize that I am living in the future. I fantasize so hard about how my life will be different, what I want to be doing, where I will be, and who I will be. I know that I don't want to be where I am now and I want the answers to these questions. And I want them NOW dammit! But I don't know how to get there. Life keeps dragging me back. Half way up the mountain, I realize that it's patience I am struggling with and I cry.  One of those large tear, cathartic cries you've heard about. Not the first time for me this week but now I begin to understand.

There are so many things written out there that talk about how we don't have much control over what happens to us in life and that we only have control over how we respond.  Logically I can understand that and have put effort into applying that to my life. Lately they are just words to me. I do an internet search on "quotes on patience" to hopefully connect with something that would put a salve on my aching self. I came up with some good quotes. Here are a few I found:

• "Patience is bitter but it's fruit is sweet" Aristotle
• "Patience is not the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting" Joyce Meyer 
• "The hardest test in life is having the patience to wait for the right moment"  
• "Have patience. Everything is difficult before it's easy". Saadi
• "The ability to accept. delay, suffering, or annoyance without complaining or becoming angry"  http://dictionary.cambridge.org/

Great quotes but not really helping me in the moment. How do I do patience when my mind is pouring anxiety out of my ears? When I find myself wanting to take the butterflies that are in my gut and fly away with them into the future. I want to meet whatever my future holds!  

So I turn to TED. Maybe someone on TED.com has something to say to guide me. It's worked before where I've listened to a talk and I have an "Ah-Hah" moment. This time TED delivered me Andy Puddicombe's talk on "doing nothing for 10 minutes". Practicing this, he says, will help me gain focus, calm, and clarity in my life. He speaks about how by doing nothing for 10 minutes daily can change how I experience and respond to life as it happens. It's simple. So I try. 

I am not new to meditation and it's benefits. If Andy said "meditate for 10 minutes" I wouldn't have put much stock into it. Mediation is hard for me. Sitting in an uncomfortable position, focus on breathing, etc.  But practicing "doing nothing for 10 minutes" struck a chord.  I have tried it now for a few days and find that my mind is more relaxed. I realize that if I allow my mind to live where I want my journey to end up, then I am more likely to react abruptly or harshly, and those actions may actually set me back. Sitting and doing nothing just a few times over the past few days has helped me understand that I need to be firmly planted in the now so that I can experience and learn what I need to. Difficulty seems to be dominating my life lately, but I do know that there are good things occurring too and it's all a part of the current journey.  Responding to the here and now instead of wishing I could rush through it will allow me to respond in ways that will unfold the journey the way it's meant to unfold. Dreaming about what I want for the future is okay. But I can't afford to rush the journey to get there. Reacting to what is happening in the moment  in a focused, calm way is what makes those dreams come true.

I understand those quotes now. I understand how to "do patience" when I am really impatient and it's the last thing I want to do. I will continue to sit and do nothing, every now and then. That is my task at hand. That is my journey.