If they say that home is where the heart is then I guess I am heading home. I have never lived in Madison but it is where my folks have called home for 30 years. As I approach the airport terminal, I look forward to getting a much needed weekend of rest after a tough year. I also hope to do some dissecting of something that I have been struggling with recently.
But first, a little history. My mom and dad are probably the kindest, and some of the most generous people I know. They always have been. They made up for what little money they had by establishing strong friendships, lending a helping hand to someone in need, providing their time to causes of all kinds. And of course, they did this without the need to be in the spotlight. So it's not a surprise that one of the pillars I grew up with is that kindness matters. I learned that considering other people, having a good heart, and acting in kindness without looking for accolades is what you do.
Recently at work, I had an embarrassing moment of "foot in mouth disease". I said something to a co-worker and she totally teased me about it. I saw the words come out of my mouth and float over to her in all their glory. She got me good and I am sure my face got beat red. We laughed about it. Then she said "Oh I shouldn't do that to you Rick. You're just too kind". Its not the first time I have heard things like that. I have been told by people that I am kind person. It's a value that I hold close to my heart. It's become a pillar in my life as well.
Question #1 - What does being kind mean though?
About a year ago I woke up and realized that I needed more kindness in my life. I started to reach out and connect with people who I thought were kind. When I had the chance, I would be honest and open with them without being too overwhelming. I shared pieces of my story and made sure I listened to them as well. And an amazing thing happened. I started to be the recipient of wonderful and kind experiences. Someone would send me an encouraging email after seeing me in passing and noticing a look on my face. Another would say exactly the right thing at the right time. A friend sent me pocket charm that continues to lighten my mood. A co-worker would give me a sincere compliment. I noticed a pattern developing. Each time one of these things happened, I would choke up. Each time I would even think about one these things happening I would choke up. To the point where I started to tell people, "you can't be nice to me today" for fear I would start crying in front of them, (and you know, at work, that isn't a good thing).
Question #2 - Why do I cry when people do or say kind things to me?
Melody Beattie, in her book "Co-Dependent No More" states that "acts of kindness are not kind unless we feel good about ourselves, what we are doing, and the person we are doing it for". I read this in Wisconsin after wrestling with the whole kindness/crying cycle I have been experiencing. This is a profound statement for me. It bounces around my head as I swim laps at the local YMCA. I realize that for me, my acts of kindness were for reasons other than what she states. I've acted out of kindness to please other people. To look like the "good son" I thought my parents wanted me to be. "The good guy/brother" I thought my friends/sisters wanted me to be. I wanted to be seen as kind and helpful so that I could feel worthy of the relationship I had with this person.
"...acts of kindness are not kind unless we feel good about ourselves.."
Question #3 - What does this really mean?
My flight out of Madison is cancelled and I end up staying longer than expected. Good thing is that I have parents and a sister who open their homes to me. I settle into this place I've identified as my home. But is it? Sure it's the closest place I have to going "home". But there is part of my heart that is still in Denver. My kids are there. My friends are there. My daily life is there. I try to reconcile this. I decide that home can be in two places. But that doesn't feel right either.
Question #4 - Why am I wrestling with this idea of finding home and what kindness means to me?
Where is home? What makes a home? Is it a place? People? Familiar objects? Let's go a little deeper, is home where you know you are unconditionally loved? And what does that does that mean anyway?
My therapist has taught me this healing exercise. Very simple, maybe some of you know it, but it's new to me. Whenever I am struggling with a feeling, I focus and place the feeling on my body, see what color associates with it, and identify a younger version of myself who is struggling with the same feeling. I then sit down with myself in a safe place and tell the younger me what he needs to hear. Sounds like a silly process but I have been able to come to terms with quite a number of unresolved feelings doing this. I have found peace.
On the last morning in Wisconsin I try this exercise. I don't connect. There is a block. So I do what runners do and head out to run. With each foot plant I struggle with the idea of what home means, what kindness means to me. As I reach the end I stop a few houses away and start to walk. I start to envision all of the other versions of myself that I have imagined talking to over the past few months. I recall how I have talked to each of these versions of me and said kind, encouraging things. As I walk up to my sister's garage, all of these version of myself gather around me. And I hear them saying that they love me. I start to cry because I realize that I have the answer I have been looking for all week.
My home resides in my own heart. When I love myself unconditionally and am comfortable with who I am, I will have found my home. The idea "home is where the heart is" makes all kinds of sense to me now. I don't have to go anywhere to be home. I am home here. With myself. And knowing this, I now know that when I act out in kindness, I will do it because I feel good about myself. And I will be able to receive acts of kindness from others because of who I am.
Final Answer - I am worthy to receive and give kindness in the world because I am at home with myself.
I'd like to close with the opening to Mary Oliver's "Wild Geese"
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
My walkabout through this wild and crazy life continues.
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