On loneliness

I had to get out. It was early afternoon on New Years Eve and we were experiencing one of those beautiful Colorado days. Sunny, fleece jacket warm, clean air. The kids were doing whatever teens do to occupy their time. I was tired of just sitting around the house waiting for....I don't know what. I had this feeling that nature was calling me, just wanting to connect with me. So I left and went for a walk. 

I have been very moody and irritable lately. Sure it may be a lack of sleep, but I have learned that when I get this way, (egad!) an actual feeling is creeping into my consciousness that needs to be addressed. So I walk and I let my mind wander. As I do, the idea of loneliness comes to the fore. 

When I think of loneliness, I think of it in a negative way. I picture me in my new place, sitting in a recliner, drinking a beer and watching Netflix. Endlessly. That scares the crap out of me. Is this a prediction, a premonition? Or is it a warning? Is loneliness always a bad thing or can it be good? Am I feeling a bad loneliness or a good loneliness? 

As I walk and listen to the crunch of the dried dirt under my toes, I am reminded of the two floods that have changed the landscape of the park I am walking in. This park was created when they built a dam decades ago as part of a much larger, metro area, flood control plan. The river running the through the park and filling Bear Creek Lake is usually steady, but twice over the past 5 years we have had massive storms that have covered the path on which I walk with 40-50 feet of water.  As the water receded each time, it was interesting to see how the landscape had changed due to the copious amounts of rushing water. The course of the river actually changed as the river banks were pushed aside under the stress. Huge amounts of soil, sand and rocks were dumped and  piled up high from areas upstream that must have been gouged out by the rushing water. Some old river banks were left dry and others were created anew.   

My life has been a flood of experiences this past year. There have been a series of difficult yet necessary events that have gouged out the foundation on which I have lived my life. There are pieces of me that are piled up high in unexpected areas. I look around and wonder.... WTF? The way the river is running through me is way different than where I thought it would be going. I look around and don't recognize the landscape. And I feel lost and lonely. 

So what to do? I have written about how I am working on my patience. My living situation is less than optimal, however I do see some light ahead. I need to remind myself that I can't enter that light before time allows. The landscape in the park had no control over what the water was going to do to it.  I have realized that I have absolutely no control over the many events causing stress in my life. Once those waters recede, I can start taking stock of where I am and focus on what I can control. 

Like writing this blog.

And reading about the experiences of others. I explored another blog recently. In the July 2013 post a guest writer reflects on what he learned in the months after his divorce. He writes: 

      You're not starting over, (after a divorce); you're starting 
       from here and you're moving forward. This means you 
       accept the mistakes you have made, you try not to 
       repeat them, and you allow yourself to make all new 
       ones no matter how colossal! 

As I continue on my walk, I realize that I have some damn good reasons to be lonely. And I understand that lonliness isn't good or bad. It's what I do about it that is. At times I feel like I am starting over and all I want to do is sit and drink beer and binge watch Netflix shows. But this idea of starting from here and moving forward calms me. I have accepted that getting a divorce was the correct answer. I don't have any ill feelings or doubts. There is, however, an empty space in my soul because of the divorce. I feel like that old river bank that has no water, no purpose. I have this sense if emptiness that is causing me to feel lonely. I don't think it's necessarily a bad lonely though. Or good. It's how I move forward and fill that space that will help the loneliness recede. 

All I can do is focus on where my foot lands next and keep my eyes open to the ever changing landscape. There will be new storms for me to weather. Some will be good and some not. It's the journey that matters. I just can't rush it.  It's a long road, and  I am ready.