Birdsong

So this is the day that has been on my mind for a long time. Both the actual date but also because of what was scheduled for today.

My divorce happened today.

I can say my marriage ended long ago over a long period of time. But to hear the judge say it, to hear him say good luck to us both and good luck to our kids, well that took my breath away.

I am now walking slowly around a lake. People pass me. They try to say Good Morning. My head is down. Tears flowing down my cheeks. No eye contact. People don't need to see me this way.

Then this happens.

Can you hear the birds at the end of the video? Chirping away like its spring? This  catches me by surprise. It's Jan 18th after all.  For the first time on my walk I look up. I see them in the tree and their song awakens my spirit. I am reminded that there is no shame in tears. Tears are a strength. Even for men. I have every right to be crying. And I do.

Because I feel ripped open by:

Sadness
Worry
Fear
Uncertainty
Betrayal
Guilt
Hope
Understanding
Gratefulness
Relief

There is no joy in any of this. Nor is there anger. These other emotions are what I feel and because I do, I know I will be okay.  It's understandable. The birds tell me so.

A couple friends text words of encouragement to me. My sister texts me and says "Here's to open doors and new hallways". I say Amen. I just need to keep my head up, my heart open, and listen to what the birds have to say.