Some poem

A powerful poem for me. It's been a close friend all year. 

"If "
Rudyard Kipling. 

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; 
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; 
            
Kipling is writing about living though crisis. As it happened, I reconnected with this poem last spring when I was in the middle of an emotional crisis. I really thought I was going crazy.  I had so many doubts about who I was as a human, as a man, as a father, as a husband. Was I any good at all? Did I have any influence on anyone? On anything? Does anyone even know me? Fortunately, I have some wonderful people who I shared parts of my story with who contradicted those negative voices. And I was strong enough and open enough to hear them. 

If you can dream- -and not make dreams your master; 
If you can think- -and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools; 

Falling, getting bruised, rising, and then moving forward. Embracing the good and the bad things that happen. This is life after all. This journey has been a test for sure. As I move forward,  I know I will be faced with many choices of what to do next. Kipling, I think, is encouraging me to trust my character, trust my values, and trust my strengths that I had so many doubts about earlier in the year. These worn out tools of mine are the very things that will get me through.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on! '

18 or so months ago I really thought I was in a winning place. Life was going as well as I ever thought it had. Then the momentum of the game changed fast. I felt like I was loosing everything. As I think about it now,  I'm not starting at my beginnings because I have so many  experiences and lessons to lean on. I am starting from here. With the next steps that I need to take. "And never breathe a word about your loss". Now that is a challenge. How easy is it to bitch and complain and blame? That doesn't help in anyway that I can think of. So I try not to. I try to say positive things and look forward rather than complain and look back. I know that in order to move forward, I can't live in the past. Embrace it, learn from it, and then forgive it. "And so hold on when there is nothing in you". This, to me, is faith. I will hold on. And I will have my turn.

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings- -nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And- -which is more- -you'll be a Man, my son!

I think this stanza sets the standard high. Have integrity. Trust myself. Stay humble. Be patient. If these are achieved then "Yours is the Earth and everything in it". Such an important message for me to hear at such an important point in my life. Reading over and over creates a safe place for me to ease my mind. Helps me remove any doubt about myself and renews my faith.